I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every
can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because
I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the
hospital for the 1,387,258 the time.
I no longer have any money
at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has
granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks
to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I
no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I
no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And
thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I
no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks
to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice
Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's
told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great
advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because
it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my
car to grab my leg.Oh, and don't forget this one either!
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!