http://myxmx.vox.com/library/posts/tags/advice/page/1/ en Vox Thu, 14 Dec 2006 06:07:16 -0800 Copyright 2006 http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss advice http://myxmx.vox.com/library/post/i-must-send-my-thanks.html?_c=feed-rss-full nobody@vox.com(Joel) http://myxmx.vox.com/library/post/i-must-send-my-thanks.html?_c=feed-rss-full http://myxmx.vox.com/library/post/i-must-send-my-thanks.html?_c=feed-rss-full Thu, 14 Dec 2006 06:07:16 -0800 <p>I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.<br />I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258 the time.<br />I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.<br />I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa&#39;s novena has granted my every wish.<br />I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. <br />I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. <br />Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.<br />Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. <br />I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won&#39;t crawl in my back seat when I&#39;m pumping gas. <br />I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put &quot;Under God&quot; on their cans. <br />I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. <br />And thanks for letting me know I can&#39;t boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. <br />I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. <br />I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. <br />I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. <br />I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don&#39;t support our American troops or the Salvation Army. <br />I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. <br />I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. <br />I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. <br />Thanks to you, I can&#39;t use anyone&#39;s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. <br />Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he&#39;s told us how to fix everything. <br />And thanks to your great advice, I can&#39;t ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.Oh, and don&#39;t forget this one either! <br />I can no longer drive my car because I can&#39;t buy gas from certain gas companies! </p> <p style="clear:both;"> <a href="http://myxmx.vox.com/library/post/i-must-send-my-thanks.html?_c=feed-rss-full#comments">Read and post comments</a> | <a href="http://www.vox.com/share/6a00cdf3a1d08bcb8f00cdf7ecf12e094f?_c=feed-rss-full">Send to a friend</a> </p> funny advice read this